Pimpin Gym Bags

2009-04-08T02:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve been training in gyms my whole life, and naturally I’ve needed gym bags to carry my unmentionables as well as my mentionables. But I’ve always wondered if it makes a bit of difference what kind of gym bag you use, not only for functional reasons but also, ahem…social. So I really want to know not only what the best brand is, but also which gym bags bring the hotness.

Gym Bags are produced by every major sports supplier, in every color and size. Some are backpacks, other totes, and some giant sports bags for martial artists or body builders I guess. They need something to carry all that protein. How does one select from all these options? And yes, I’m the kind of person that has no idea what to order at a new restaurant, and tend to stick with what I know at favorite local places.

One of the biggest concerns I have is that gym bags smell. Why? What the hell happens to them that makes them that way? Is it the wetness? It’s probably the wetness of things. Alright, strike that question. How do I fix it? Or are there any bags out there that don’t become smelly or are easy to clean? And what do you clean them with? Can you put them in the washing machine? I’ve been known to take Windex and rinse my backpack. I’m pretty retarded when it comes to cleaning, so a bit of input here would save me time and money.

Stinky gym bags shake the confidence, and they give you a headache sometimes at the peak of poignancy. But perhaps we should all suck it up, I mean, it’s a gym bag.

I’m not the most fashion conscious person out there. I have no idea if people notice things like gym bags. I sure as hell don’t, not unless they’re really big and maybe yellow. But is this something that people notice? And will certain bags catch the eye of the hot chick at the gym? I can’t think of anything worse than being rejected over a gym bag, but I really have no idea if it makes any impact on such things.

So here are my needs, and perhaps the universe can find me an answer. I go to the gym every day. I need a durable bag. It needs to have pockets, because I hate putting my keys and wallet next to my towel and sweaty clothes. It needs to be flat on the bottom, because every time a bag tips over while I’m taking things out or putting them in I want to kill something.

It needs a shoulder strap, unless that’s gay, and then no shoulder strap. It needs to be washable, or cheap enough to toss if it stinks and buy a new one. And finally, it needs to bring the hotness. I want that girl on the elliptical to feel a strange tingling sensation as I walk by. And also, I’m a black belt, so I need room for weapons. Maybe nunchaku or a chain whip. It would be ideal if there was a separate pocket for said weapons so I don’t have cross contamination between towel, undees, wallet, and chain whip.

So thanks for considering this important universal question. The polls are now open for heated discussion on what brings the hotness, and the functionality. Raise your gym bags high.